Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with someone without the emotional involvement, and is it healthy?

Usually called “friends with benefits,” “casual relationships,” or (forgive the profanity) “f*ck buddies,” these terms are used to define two people who choose to have a sexual relationship without the formality and commitment of a serious relationship.  It can be monogamous, long-term, or sporadic.  Why do these relationships exist? For people who mutually want the casual intimacy without the full responsibilities and drama that can come with commitment.  Whether it’s a lack of commitment or a lack of interest, these casual relationships have worked for some — but will it work for you?

You may be considering venturing into this because you want your sexual desires fulfilled without having to deal with feelings, or perhaps you know you don’t want to commit to the person because he’s not the guy you ultimately want to be with.  Your “f*ck buddy” is your temporary, no-strings-attached, quick solution for physical intimacy. As Carrie stated in the second season of Sex and the City as she contemplated her own casual relationship:

“A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice and it didn’t really go anywhere, but the sex is so great you sort of… keep him on call.”

But before you experiment with this transient relationship, make sure you ask yourself whether it’s really the route to go? And, what happens if you actually want to be in a relationship, but not with this “friend”?

Many people have successfully had a “friends with benefit” relationship, but some have also found it hard to have such intimacy without any prospect of a future together.  Emotions can naturally generate from sex because it’s hard to disconnect sex and the feelings of attachment that can eventually occur.  As Helen Fisher describes in her book Why We Love?, the chemistry behind love and sex can be difficult to repress.

“Stroking and massage trigger the production of oxytocin and the endorphins, brain chemicals that can relax and produce feelings of attachment. [...] And with orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men — chemicals associated with feelings of attachment.”

Studies discussed by the New York Times have shown that people initiate these “friends with benefits” relationships to create a safe environment where no commitment was needed.  However, most people end up growing fear that they will start having feelings that will not be reciprocated.  One person might end up becoming more attracted to the other, and this builds stress into a relationship that should have been otherwise “carefree.”

More prevalent on college campuses, many young adults are choosing the casual route as well.  In Hooking Up, Kathleen Bogle, an assistant professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University, provides insight on the casual sex trend that is taking place in a lot of colleges, stating that campus life promotes this behavior, diminishes the tradition of true relationships, and how it will negatively impact the emotional well-being of the people involved in this behavior.

Short term relationships that are strictly physical without the emotional attachment may work, but long term relationships seem most unhealthy.  If someone has spent months or years with a friend purely for sexual satisfaction without true commitment, it robs each person from the potential of real love.  Unless the person truly believes they will never want a committed relationship, feelings will be hurt, and drama will arise.  CNN wrote a piece last month about how to properly pursue a casual relationship, and it includes no real conversation, no real meals together, and no socializing — a truly detached relationship.  These tips help decrease any emotional involvement, but does not guarantee it.

If you find yourself in this situation, consider these questions before you get too involved.  Remember, it’s your heart at stake.

• How long do I see this going for?
• Do I eventually want to be in a relationship?
• Do I really want a committed person as opposed to just a “friend”?
• How would I feel if the other party started a new relationship with someone else?
• Can this relationship go back to “normal” after we quit the sex?

Casual relationships can be fun and playful initially, but tread carefully.  It’s easy to see that a drama and commitment-free relationship can yield a lot of satisfaction, but it would also be irresponsible to not see the emotional consequences.

Where do you stand on “friends with benefits?”

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Every household is different but living with your significant other surely will bring issues regarding housekeeping.  In some homes, couples split the chores.  In other homes, the women do all the housework.  Then there are those who opt to hire maids and housekeepers to take care of the dirty work for them.  Where do you stand?

There should be a balance on who does what and, most importantly, there needs to be a compromise.  If you feel you are doing way too much, don’t hesitate to voice that you need help.  There is a thin line between being a significant other and a maid, especially if you are living with your boyfriend/husband.  Figure out a system where both of you can contribute.  This prevents developing resentment and allows you guys to avoid nasty words like “nag,” or worse yet, “mom.”  If both of you work full-time, then chores should be shared.  Look at both of your schedules and the amount of free time you guys each have — then divide housework accordingly.

Physical limitations also effect the chores you do. If you have a back problem, perhaps he should help with groceries or taking out the trash.  Having a new manicure is no excuse.  Suck it up, put on some gloves, and wash those dishes.  Make the most of your skills.  If you’re more savvy with budgeting and finances, then you can take care of the bills and overall spending while he cleans the cars.

In the end, your relationship is more important than who cooks dinner.  It’s about figuring out what works for both of you, putting effort into making one another happy, and making each other feel special.  This is the person you are choosing to be with, through thick and thin, laundry and dusting.

Again, where do you stand?

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It’s unfortunate that some relationships, no matter how great they were, are no longer that.  It doesn’t matter if you are a new couple, a couple that’s been together for a while, engaged or even married with children — there are some key things, if left unresolved, that can end relationships for good.

You have affairs. Clearly, if you’re seeking affection and attention from someone else, something’s not right in your “real” relationship.  Having a relationship or fling with another person could mean that you’re not ready to fully commit to your supposed significant other or that you just don’t love them enough — because clearly you’re not respecting your relationship with them.

You sleep in separate beds. If you live together but never go to sleep in the same bed, the gap between you is more than just distance.  Not being able to share the physical intimacy or even stand being next to someone this way spells trouble, especially if this has been going on for a while.

You argue more than you get along. Fights are normal because you are bound to have views that clash, but if you find yourself bickering more than laughing, then recognize it as another warning sign.  Fighting about the big issues will indicate your clashing foundations, but even arguing about the dumbest things, all the time, can indicate that you are not happy with each other.

The bad outweighs the good. In a struggling relationship, if you are able to see the positive and that helps you pull through, then great.  But if you start having trouble finding what makes your relationship worth it, it’s time to leave.  When your negative feelings and thoughts become too overwhelming, talk it over and if it can’t be resolved, walk away.

You can’t see the future with him. If you can’t picture growing old with him, or you aren’t able to think that far ahead, then ask yourself why.  If he’s too immature right now, or if you don’t feel you can see yourself happily with him when you are old, then it’s another sign that it’s over.  Don’t waste your time anymore and find someone else who can make that future happen.

You are embarrassed of each other. If you roll your eyes every time he speaks or hate the way he acts around your friends, the truth is that you lack respect for each other and probably harbor some contempt and resentment.  If you feel this way now, imagine how it will be ten years down the line.

You are not happy. That is the hugest red flag.  If that person cannot make you happy, then why are you with him?  We definitely control how we feel and can create our own happiness, but if we choose a life partner, then he better be able to also bring happiness into our lives instead of making us miserable.

Each relationship is different.  Some are able to work these things out and others aren’t.  Have the courage and strength to realize what you want, what makes you happy, and walk away if your needs are not met.  You only have one life to live.

When do you know it’s over?

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There are bound to be disagreements and arguments with your friends, boyfriends, parents, and family members.  It’s normal to have different opinions; however, getting angry can lead to regrettable words that can truly hurt a relationship.  Here are ways to keep the relationship strong despite your differences.

Don’t be silent. The silent treatment can be awful.  You need to talk about what you are feeling and going through, and silence only creates a bigger problem instead of solving it.  So give that person a call and start making some resolutions.

Stay calm. Nothing hurts more than an angry slur of phrases and words that diminishes a person’s character or self-esteem.  You probably shouldn’t have said it and sometimes it’s not even true.  Take a few breaths and be the bigger person by keeping your tone down and speaking calmly.

Don’t hit below the belt. You can say that they are stupid, that they are immature, or that they are worth a little more than dirt, but how does that make anything better?  Stick to the discussion at hand and don’t take personal jabs at a person just because you know a weakness.  If the relationship is something you want to keep, then be careful of the words you say.

Listen. You may be right, but they can also have some good points too.  Don’t just ignore their side of the story and resume your self-righteousness.  It doesn’t lead to anywhere.

Be openminded and patient. Sometimes people need more time to understand what you are trying to say.  Don’t be surprised that a week or year from now they will say you were right all along.  People, when stubborn, need time to think and live through experiences before they are able to concede that perhaps they are wrong.  So be openminded and try to see it from their perspective. No one is like you, so no one can think like you do.

How are some ways you have handled fights?