It seems like everyone is in a relationship… but you. You have a great circle of friends, an awesome job, and you take care of yourself.  But there doesn’t seem to be a single person out there that you click with.  Here are some possible reasons that may keep you from a relationship.

YOU ARE TOO BUSY
When we have agendas filled with countless tasks, a job that keeps us busy even on weekends, and a bunch of errands, it’s hard to put time into meeting people.  Plus, if your personality is always focused on getting things done and you put on an “I’m too busy for you” image, even friends feel bad to take up your time.  People who may want to be with you end up feeling a bit intimidated by your busy schedule and refrain from asking you out.  Even when busy, you can meet a lot of people in cafes, restaurants, and even the gym.  Don’t be so absorbed in your Blackberry that you ignore that cutie sitting across from you.

YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE
With an attitude like “I’ll never find love,” you end up wallowing in self-pitying and creating a low self-esteem for yourself.  You set up your own failure in relationships due to lack of confidence.  If you haven’t heard of “The Secret,” you really need to start rocking a positive attitude so people can feel the love in you.  Believe that you are worth it and that you can find someone.  Love yourself and the right person will come at the right time.

YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT
If your attitude is always about what you want and need, then there is no room for another person in your life.  Being in a relationship is about sharing your life with another person and compromising during all sorts of disagreements.  Nobody wants to be with another person who only focuses on themselves and is inconsiderate of others.  Learn to be open, giving and generous in order to open your heart to someone else instead of being just in love with yourself.

YOU WANT IT TOO BADLY
If you spend all your time on match-making websites and talk constantly to your family and friends about needing a boyfriend or girlfried so badly, it gets a bit revolting.  People you date can smell that scent of desperation and run the other direction.  Focus on working out, advancing your career, and channeling your energy towards self-improvement instead of having a “plus-one.”  Good relationships happen when you least expect it.

YOU ARE TOO PICKY
Sometimes setting standards too high may end up hurting your potential future in romance.  Being too judgmental or critical about their movie or food choices is a small thing.  Mr. Right does not exist.  There will always be those red flags that tell you he is wrong for you, but rethink what you really want in a person in regards to attitude, character, future plans, and how he treats his family.  Don’t nix a guy because he has funny hair (it grows out), a weird laugh (it can become endearing), or an affinity for odd hobbies (it can actually be enjoyable)!  Sometimes you will find that the guy you end up falling in love with has all the traits you never knew you’d always wanted.

YOU CHOOSE TO BE
Finally, a reason why you are single is because you choose to be.  Instead of trying to find Mr. Right, you are working on your own goals in life and career.  You are not so concerned with the pressure of finding a mate, but rather, you believe in being patient and investing in a relationship that’s really going to last.  You don’t want to just settle down; you want to explore life without a commitment that you are not ready for.  And you know what?  That is absolutely fabulous.  Don’t do what you think you are supposed to do, but do what you believe is right for yourself.  And if it doesn’t involve an engagement ring or the perfect two story home, so be it.

Weddings and happily-ever-afters are affairs sought and fantasized by most women.  It’s in our social DNA to want to have beautiful weddings and fairy tale endings after we say “I do.”  There’s a problem, however, if our significant others are just not that… ready.  These wedding cake toppers (shown right) may seem humorous — until you realize that’s exactly how your boyfriend reacts whenever you mention the “M” word.  So spare yourself the stress and hold your thoughts of wedlock until he’s ready.  Here are three sure signs for you to avoid matrimony.

HIS FAMILY IS A MYSTERY
He’s never introduced you to his family.  You think he has siblings, or so he tells you, but you’ve never met them or even “friended” them on Facebook.  This is fine if you’ve just barely started dating the dude, but if you two have been going steady for two years, it’s a problem.  Unless he’s personally distant from his family (or doesn’t want to take the relationship to the next level of commitment), there’s no reason why he should be keeping you or them a secret.

HE’S NOT FINANCIALLY READY
Let’s face it, weddings can be costly these days.  Unless your ideal wedding is to elope in Las Vegas, he’s probably not ready to pop the question until he has more dough saved up.  This can be a good sign, because it can indicate that he’s planning ahead and doesn’t want to jump the gun before he’s reached financial stability.  But if he’s spending most of his paycheck fixing up his car… be concerned.  His priorities do not include you.

HE STILL WANTS TO BE “ONE OF THE BOYS”
It’s boys’ night every other night, and you’re not invited.  If his ears perk up when one of his buds mentions going on another spontaneous trip or crashing the local frat party with the fellas, your man is not ready to settle.  And if he is not mature enough to make that decision on his own, don’t try to convince him he needs to.  Don’t try to tie a man down when he’s not ready, it’s a formula for disaster.  If he’s 30 and still acting like he’s 21, he’s definitely on the immaturity spectrum.

So if your friends and cousins are getting married, attend their weddings and be happy for them — but don’t start planning your own wedding if your S.O. isn’t in the same boat yet!

• Not ready for the “M” word yourself but want to gauge his commitment?  Read He’s Not Committed If…

Images credit: The Knot.com

Who is the perfect man? The perfect man will love you for who you are and never try to change you.  The perfect man will take a bullet to save your life.  He will be able to read what you are feeling and be sensitive to each situation so as not to hurt you.  He knows just what to say to make you smile after a dreadful day at work.  The perfect man will let you choose where to eat for dinner, know what to get you for Valentine’s, and will make efforts to win your love everyday.

So where is he?

He doesn’t exist. From Cinderella to Slumdog Millionaire, society has been conditioned by the media to think that men will go to any length for the women they love and that there is a happy ending for us all.  Not so.  We never found out what happens after the fact, but somewhere in her castle, Cinderella is probably angrily scrubbing the kitchen floor because her Prince of a husband always forgets to take off his shoes at the door after hunting– or worse, he just doesn’t care.  In fact, in an effort to find the “perfect mate,” you may end up selling yourself short. Your man may be a great guy, but instead of appreciating him you’re upset that he doesn’t pick up after himself.  Or maybe he doesn’t wear the brands you prefer or has slight rolls instead of a 6 pack?  Instead of appreciating his qualities, you lament about his supposed faults.  You have an image of how he can be perfect and you’re determined to make it so.  Sound familiar?  Expectations should exist, but there is a fine line between expectations that are rational and those that are a bit too “fairy tale” and derived from glorified, societal expectations.

The perfect man is relative to who you are. Your soul mate will complement YOU.  You will not share everything in common, but you will share common core values such as raising a family, financial spending, and spirituality.  If you’re an adventurous wanderer while he wants a stable job and family, then conflicts will arise.  If you want him to be more romantic like your friends’ husband, then ask him for specific actions instead of making him do all the guess work.  He will never know what to do until you give some indications.  Stop comparing him to other men or your friends’ men and look deep into yourself for what works for you.

The perfect man may not exist, but there is a perfect man for you as an individual.  Here are some key questions to ask about your man to make sure he is the one.

Does he make you happy?
True happiness comes from within.  You have to first be happy with yourself before others can make you happy.  Otherwise, it’s a false happiness that is transient.  If thinking about him makes you feel even better about life, then that is a positive sign.  If he knows the right things to say when you are angry, lets you cool off when you’ve had an argument with your mom, or regularly surprises you with his creativity, then he’s a keeper.  Finding someone who is able to read you most of the time is a lucky feat.

Are you able to tell him the complete truth?
Honesty is key in a relationship.  If you can’t tell him about your credit card debt (major red flag) or about your personal problems, then you are not being honest yourself.  Having major lies and hiding information can destroy a happy relationship.  [Note: Telling him is mother's turnip soup is delicious (when it's not) is acceptable, but there are other obvious truths that must be laid out even if unpleasant.] Would you rather have him not tell you about his gambling problem or drug addiction until it’s too late?  Of course not!  If you can love each other despite your horrid habits and disgusting tastes, then that’s love. [But regarding gambling and drug additions, let's hope you guys can resolve these issues together if they exist].  Don’t sugarcoat something, because the bitterness will be out eventually.

Can you see forever with him?
If you can deal with imagining him being hairy and wrinkled next to you when you also are lacking teeth and sporting gray hair, then that’s a good sign.  If you can see having children, buying a house, and spending every single day of the rest of your life with him, even better.  However, you have to know a lot about him before you can see this future.  The first few months of dating has you in cloud-nine so think rationally about the future and talk to him about it to see if your plans are in sync.

Does he love you for who you are?
The perfect man will not try to change you or make you into someone you are not.  He’ll want to encourage you to be a better person, but he’ll be ever supportive of who you are and respectful of your beliefs.  Just remember that change has to come from within; any external forces that attempt to change you will end up in resentment unless you want to change.  So be yourself and never conform for anybody else but yourself.

Are you trying to change him?
Same as above: if you can’t love him for who he is, then maybe he’s not the one for you.  There is a fine line between molding someone into the perfect guy and making him change just because you want him to be a certain way.  Tread cautiously here in your efforts to make your man the man he is to become.  You have to make him want to change for himself and not for you.  Love him for his idiosyncrasies and he just may be able to bend a little more than when you pick at all his little faults.

True love can exist through hard work, open communication, and selflessness. Maybe in the end, Cinderella enjoys scrubbing the kitchen floor.  Maybe her Prince gives her a massage at the end of the day.  In the end, it doesn’t matter what each couple does as long as it makes them happy; to each her own.

So remember.  Be yourself. Love yourself. And learn to love him for who he is.

Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with someone without the emotional involvement, and is it healthy?

Usually called “friends with benefits,” “casual relationships,” or (forgive the profanity) “f*ck buddies,” these terms are used to define two people who choose to have a sexual relationship without the formality and commitment of a serious relationship.  It can be monogamous, long-term, or sporadic.  Why do these relationships exist? For people who mutually want the casual intimacy without the full responsibilities and drama that can come with commitment.  Whether it’s a lack of commitment or a lack of interest, these casual relationships have worked for some — but will it work for you?

You may be considering venturing into this because you want your sexual desires fulfilled without having to deal with feelings, or perhaps you know you don’t want to commit to the person because he’s not the guy you ultimately want to be with.  Your “f*ck buddy” is your temporary, no-strings-attached, quick solution for physical intimacy. As Carrie stated in the second season of Sex and the City as she contemplated her own casual relationship:

“A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice and it didn’t really go anywhere, but the sex is so great you sort of… keep him on call.”

But before you experiment with this transient relationship, make sure you ask yourself whether it’s really the route to go? And, what happens if you actually want to be in a relationship, but not with this “friend”?

Many people have successfully had a “friends with benefit” relationship, but some have also found it hard to have such intimacy without any prospect of a future together.  Emotions can naturally generate from sex because it’s hard to disconnect sex and the feelings of attachment that can eventually occur.  As Helen Fisher describes in her book Why We Love?, the chemistry behind love and sex can be difficult to repress.

“Stroking and massage trigger the production of oxytocin and the endorphins, brain chemicals that can relax and produce feelings of attachment. [...] And with orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men — chemicals associated with feelings of attachment.”

Studies discussed by the New York Times have shown that people initiate these “friends with benefits” relationships to create a safe environment where no commitment was needed.  However, most people end up growing fear that they will start having feelings that will not be reciprocated.  One person might end up becoming more attracted to the other, and this builds stress into a relationship that should have been otherwise “carefree.”

More prevalent on college campuses, many young adults are choosing the casual route as well.  In Hooking Up, Kathleen Bogle, an assistant professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University, provides insight on the casual sex trend that is taking place in a lot of colleges, stating that campus life promotes this behavior, diminishes the tradition of true relationships, and how it will negatively impact the emotional well-being of the people involved in this behavior.

Short term relationships that are strictly physical without the emotional attachment may work, but long term relationships seem most unhealthy.  If someone has spent months or years with a friend purely for sexual satisfaction without true commitment, it robs each person from the potential of real love.  Unless the person truly believes they will never want a committed relationship, feelings will be hurt, and drama will arise.  CNN wrote a piece last month about how to properly pursue a casual relationship, and it includes no real conversation, no real meals together, and no socializing — a truly detached relationship.  These tips help decrease any emotional involvement, but does not guarantee it.

If you find yourself in this situation, consider these questions before you get too involved.  Remember, it’s your heart at stake.

• How long do I see this going for?
• Do I eventually want to be in a relationship?
• Do I really want a committed person as opposed to just a “friend”?
• How would I feel if the other party started a new relationship with someone else?
• Can this relationship go back to “normal” after we quit the sex?

Casual relationships can be fun and playful initially, but tread carefully.  It’s easy to see that a drama and commitment-free relationship can yield a lot of satisfaction, but it would also be irresponsible to not see the emotional consequences.

Where do you stand on “friends with benefits?”

Every household is different but living with your significant other surely will bring issues regarding housekeeping.  In some homes, couples split the chores.  In other homes, the women do all the housework.  Then there are those who opt to hire maids and housekeepers to take care of the dirty work for them.  Where do you stand?

There should be a balance on who does what and, most importantly, there needs to be a compromise.  If you feel you are doing way too much, don’t hesitate to voice that you need help.  There is a thin line between being a significant other and a maid, especially if you are living with your boyfriend/husband.  Figure out a system where both of you can contribute.  This prevents developing resentment and allows you guys to avoid nasty words like “nag,” or worse yet, “mom.”  If both of you work full-time, then chores should be shared.  Look at both of your schedules and the amount of free time you guys each have — then divide housework accordingly.

Physical limitations also effect the chores you do. If you have a back problem, perhaps he should help with groceries or taking out the trash.  Having a new manicure is no excuse.  Suck it up, put on some gloves, and wash those dishes.  Make the most of your skills.  If you’re more savvy with budgeting and finances, then you can take care of the bills and overall spending while he cleans the cars.

In the end, your relationship is more important than who cooks dinner.  It’s about figuring out what works for both of you, putting effort into making one another happy, and making each other feel special.  This is the person you are choosing to be with, through thick and thin, laundry and dusting.

Again, where do you stand?

It’s unfortunate that some relationships, no matter how great they were, are no longer that.  It doesn’t matter if you are a new couple, a couple that’s been together for a while, engaged or even married with children — there are some key things, if left unresolved, that can end relationships for good.

You have affairs. Clearly, if you’re seeking affection and attention from someone else, something’s not right in your “real” relationship.  Having a relationship or fling with another person could mean that you’re not ready to fully commit to your supposed significant other or that you just don’t love them enough — because clearly you’re not respecting your relationship with them.

You sleep in separate beds. If you live together but never go to sleep in the same bed, the gap between you is more than just distance.  Not being able to share the physical intimacy or even stand being next to someone this way spells trouble, especially if this has been going on for a while.

You argue more than you get along. Fights are normal because you are bound to have views that clash, but if you find yourself bickering more than laughing, then recognize it as another warning sign.  Fighting about the big issues will indicate your clashing foundations, but even arguing about the dumbest things, all the time, can indicate that you are not happy with each other.

The bad outweighs the good. In a struggling relationship, if you are able to see the positive and that helps you pull through, then great.  But if you start having trouble finding what makes your relationship worth it, it’s time to leave.  When your negative feelings and thoughts become too overwhelming, talk it over and if it can’t be resolved, walk away.

You can’t see the future with him. If you can’t picture growing old with him, or you aren’t able to think that far ahead, then ask yourself why.  If he’s too immature right now, or if you don’t feel you can see yourself happily with him when you are old, then it’s another sign that it’s over.  Don’t waste your time anymore and find someone else who can make that future happen.

You are embarrassed of each other. If you roll your eyes every time he speaks or hate the way he acts around your friends, the truth is that you lack respect for each other and probably harbor some contempt and resentment.  If you feel this way now, imagine how it will be ten years down the line.

You are not happy. That is the hugest red flag.  If that person cannot make you happy, then why are you with him?  We definitely control how we feel and can create our own happiness, but if we choose a life partner, then he better be able to also bring happiness into our lives instead of making us miserable.

Each relationship is different.  Some are able to work these things out and others aren’t.  Have the courage and strength to realize what you want, what makes you happy, and walk away if your needs are not met.  You only have one life to live.

When do you know it’s over?

There are bound to be disagreements and arguments with your friends, boyfriends, parents, and family members.  It’s normal to have different opinions; however, getting angry can lead to regrettable words that can truly hurt a relationship.  Here are ways to keep the relationship strong despite your differences.

Don’t be silent. The silent treatment can be awful.  You need to talk about what you are feeling and going through, and silence only creates a bigger problem instead of solving it.  So give that person a call and start making some resolutions.

Stay calm. Nothing hurts more than an angry slur of phrases and words that diminishes a person’s character or self-esteem.  You probably shouldn’t have said it and sometimes it’s not even true.  Take a few breaths and be the bigger person by keeping your tone down and speaking calmly.

Don’t hit below the belt. You can say that they are stupid, that they are immature, or that they are worth a little more than dirt, but how does that make anything better?  Stick to the discussion at hand and don’t take personal jabs at a person just because you know a weakness.  If the relationship is something you want to keep, then be careful of the words you say.

Listen. You may be right, but they can also have some good points too.  Don’t just ignore their side of the story and resume your self-righteousness.  It doesn’t lead to anywhere.

Be openminded and patient. Sometimes people need more time to understand what you are trying to say.  Don’t be surprised that a week or year from now they will say you were right all along.  People, when stubborn, need time to think and live through experiences before they are able to concede that perhaps they are wrong.  So be openminded and try to see it from their perspective. No one is like you, so no one can think like you do.

How are some ways you have handled fights?

Dating can get expensive.  The movies, the dinners, the flowers, the gifts, and huge phone bills can send our bank accounts reeling.  Here are some great ideas to still have a romantic time without going broke.

Dinner at home. Nothing is more sweet that having your honey come over for a home cooked meal.  Think of a great menu and prepare during a weekend.  Enjoy the delicious meal with wine and cuddle in bed the rest of the evening.

Rent a movie. What more could you want than having your special someone on the couch with fresh buttered popcorn in the quiet of your home?  Each of you can choose a film and you can watch both films in one night.  You can also have some warm chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven while the movie is going.

Go outside. Take a swim, go for a hike, play sports, or go fishing.  All of these activities make you healthier and stronger, as well as help you grow closer together (unless you are terribly competitive).

Potluck with friends. There is nothing more enjoyable than having great food at someone’s home and catching up on all the news.

Game night. Whip out Scrabble and Twister and stimulate your mind and body with a night of games.  Throw on some fun music and the night will fly by, leaving you both smiling.

Picnic at the park. Pack some delicious sandwiches, potato salad, cut up fruit and some wine and head to your favorite park.  Spend the day feeding each other, throwing a frisbee around, and be lazy.

Visit a museum. Find a nearby museum and soak in the arts and culture that awaits you.  Take turns sharing your favorite pieces and spend time just admiring all the wonderful creations in front of you.

Those were just a few.  What other ideas do you have for an inexpensive but fun date?

Modern culture is more open to interracial dating, but there are some cultures and older generations that oppose dating and marrying someone outside your race.  The people against it argue that there will be conflicts of interest as you grow older, from politics to religion to how to raise your children.  However, more and more relationships are crossing the racial lines and being with the person they truly love, regardless of their skin color.

The biggest problem I have faced with interracial dating is my parents’ reaction.  Raised by strict Asian parents, they have created an expectation that I will someday marry another Asian person, and all will be well.  Since I am currently dating a European, they constantly question my commitment, my feelings, and my chastity.  My dad hardly speaks of my boyfriend, and my mom always asks me to doubt my feelings and tries to introduce me to her Asian friends’ eligible sons.  Please.  Thanks, but no thanks.

I want to be with someone I care about, I connect with, and I can trust. If I have that, he can be white, yellow, brown, or purple.  Sure, there may be differences in background and culture, but being open minded is a key factor to happiness in today’s society.  And for those who oppose it, I say shove it.

What do you think?  Would you date outside your race?

You love each other and you want to be with him.  But he’s not ready to take on new responsibilities or move the relationship forward.  Should you wait for him to grow up?

We are all immature in our early 20s, some more than others.  But if you are in a relationship in which you are already planning your career while he is still figuring out what he wants to do, or if you want marriage and he still wants to hang with the guys and not think about vows, then there will be issues.  You will feel unsettled or unsure where he will be or what he will become.  Resentment will start to develop.  Unless he is aware of your needs, he may never put effort into growing into the person he can be.  What’s more important is if he even wants to grow.  Maybe he wants to enjoy these years and not worry about all of life’s responsibilities until later.  Maybe he isn’t ready to grow up.

You have the choice to stay with someone who is not yet where you want him to be or where he potentially can be, but does he want to be that person as well?  That is the main question.  Listen to what he wants, and ask if he thinks he will change.  He can say he won’t change at this moment, but everybody changes in time, especially when views were made at a young age.  I have met countless men in their late 20s and early 30s who are happily married, but never dreamed they would ever settle down five years ago.

If your values are very different, then the truth is that perhaps you are not right for each other. The time is not right.  The tough part is separating and making that final move to break up.  No matter how much you care for each other or how much love and history you have shared, if there are fundamental differences in your values, you may be setting yourself up for unhappiness.  Really put time aside to think of these difficult issues and where you want to be.  Talk to each other and communicate each others’ needs and future goals.  By doing that, you can both make a mature decision to part ways or wait it out.

I don’t have the answer, but I’ve been through similar situations.  In most circumstances, the guy was just not ready.  Not ready for commitment, not ready for taking on responsibilities, and not ready for marriage.  Since I was ready for moving forward, I did what I had to do.  I left and never looked back.  Without spending time thinking about what he was going to do, I focused on what I was going to do.  In doing so, I was able to grow myself and be the best I could be.  I didn’t want to wait for someone to grow up.  I wanted someone who is already there with me.

While I have left relationships where I finally realized that he will not make me happy, there are other times where I waited and positive things did come out of being patient.  Not everyone would do what I have done.  Sometimes being patient and supportive can lead to positive change.  But when you are unhappy or resentful of another person’s inability to meet their full potential, then you are only holding yourself back from true happiness.

Under what circumstances would you wait for your man to grow up and for how long? Or were you the one who needed to grow up?