It seems like everyone is in a relationship… but you. You have a great circle of friends, an awesome job, and you take care of yourself.  But there doesn’t seem to be a single person out there that you click with.  Here are some possible reasons that may keep you from a relationship.

YOU ARE TOO BUSY
When we have agendas filled with countless tasks, a job that keeps us busy even on weekends, and a bunch of errands, it’s hard to put time into meeting people.  Plus, if your personality is always focused on getting things done and you put on an “I’m too busy for you” image, even friends feel bad to take up your time.  People who may want to be with you end up feeling a bit intimidated by your busy schedule and refrain from asking you out.  Even when busy, you can meet a lot of people in cafes, restaurants, and even the gym.  Don’t be so absorbed in your Blackberry that you ignore that cutie sitting across from you.

YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE
With an attitude like “I’ll never find love,” you end up wallowing in self-pitying and creating a low self-esteem for yourself.  You set up your own failure in relationships due to lack of confidence.  If you haven’t heard of “The Secret,” you really need to start rocking a positive attitude so people can feel the love in you.  Believe that you are worth it and that you can find someone.  Love yourself and the right person will come at the right time.

YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT
If your attitude is always about what you want and need, then there is no room for another person in your life.  Being in a relationship is about sharing your life with another person and compromising during all sorts of disagreements.  Nobody wants to be with another person who only focuses on themselves and is inconsiderate of others.  Learn to be open, giving and generous in order to open your heart to someone else instead of being just in love with yourself.

YOU WANT IT TOO BADLY
If you spend all your time on match-making websites and talk constantly to your family and friends about needing a boyfriend or girlfried so badly, it gets a bit revolting.  People you date can smell that scent of desperation and run the other direction.  Focus on working out, advancing your career, and channeling your energy towards self-improvement instead of having a “plus-one.”  Good relationships happen when you least expect it.

YOU ARE TOO PICKY
Sometimes setting standards too high may end up hurting your potential future in romance.  Being too judgmental or critical about their movie or food choices is a small thing.  Mr. Right does not exist.  There will always be those red flags that tell you he is wrong for you, but rethink what you really want in a person in regards to attitude, character, future plans, and how he treats his family.  Don’t nix a guy because he has funny hair (it grows out), a weird laugh (it can become endearing), or an affinity for odd hobbies (it can actually be enjoyable)!  Sometimes you will find that the guy you end up falling in love with has all the traits you never knew you’d always wanted.

YOU CHOOSE TO BE
Finally, a reason why you are single is because you choose to be.  Instead of trying to find Mr. Right, you are working on your own goals in life and career.  You are not so concerned with the pressure of finding a mate, but rather, you believe in being patient and investing in a relationship that’s really going to last.  You don’t want to just settle down; you want to explore life without a commitment that you are not ready for.  And you know what?  That is absolutely fabulous.  Don’t do what you think you are supposed to do, but do what you believe is right for yourself.  And if it doesn’t involve an engagement ring or the perfect two story home, so be it.

Who is the perfect man? The perfect man will love you for who you are and never try to change you.  The perfect man will take a bullet to save your life.  He will be able to read what you are feeling and be sensitive to each situation so as not to hurt you.  He knows just what to say to make you smile after a dreadful day at work.  The perfect man will let you choose where to eat for dinner, know what to get you for Valentine’s, and will make efforts to win your love everyday.

So where is he?

He doesn’t exist. From Cinderella to Slumdog Millionaire, society has been conditioned by the media to think that men will go to any length for the women they love and that there is a happy ending for us all.  Not so.  We never found out what happens after the fact, but somewhere in her castle, Cinderella is probably angrily scrubbing the kitchen floor because her Prince of a husband always forgets to take off his shoes at the door after hunting– or worse, he just doesn’t care.  In fact, in an effort to find the “perfect mate,” you may end up selling yourself short. Your man may be a great guy, but instead of appreciating him you’re upset that he doesn’t pick up after himself.  Or maybe he doesn’t wear the brands you prefer or has slight rolls instead of a 6 pack?  Instead of appreciating his qualities, you lament about his supposed faults.  You have an image of how he can be perfect and you’re determined to make it so.  Sound familiar?  Expectations should exist, but there is a fine line between expectations that are rational and those that are a bit too “fairy tale” and derived from glorified, societal expectations.

The perfect man is relative to who you are. Your soul mate will complement YOU.  You will not share everything in common, but you will share common core values such as raising a family, financial spending, and spirituality.  If you’re an adventurous wanderer while he wants a stable job and family, then conflicts will arise.  If you want him to be more romantic like your friends’ husband, then ask him for specific actions instead of making him do all the guess work.  He will never know what to do until you give some indications.  Stop comparing him to other men or your friends’ men and look deep into yourself for what works for you.

The perfect man may not exist, but there is a perfect man for you as an individual.  Here are some key questions to ask about your man to make sure he is the one.

Does he make you happy?
True happiness comes from within.  You have to first be happy with yourself before others can make you happy.  Otherwise, it’s a false happiness that is transient.  If thinking about him makes you feel even better about life, then that is a positive sign.  If he knows the right things to say when you are angry, lets you cool off when you’ve had an argument with your mom, or regularly surprises you with his creativity, then he’s a keeper.  Finding someone who is able to read you most of the time is a lucky feat.

Are you able to tell him the complete truth?
Honesty is key in a relationship.  If you can’t tell him about your credit card debt (major red flag) or about your personal problems, then you are not being honest yourself.  Having major lies and hiding information can destroy a happy relationship.  [Note: Telling him is mother's turnip soup is delicious (when it's not) is acceptable, but there are other obvious truths that must be laid out even if unpleasant.] Would you rather have him not tell you about his gambling problem or drug addiction until it’s too late?  Of course not!  If you can love each other despite your horrid habits and disgusting tastes, then that’s love. [But regarding gambling and drug additions, let's hope you guys can resolve these issues together if they exist].  Don’t sugarcoat something, because the bitterness will be out eventually.

Can you see forever with him?
If you can deal with imagining him being hairy and wrinkled next to you when you also are lacking teeth and sporting gray hair, then that’s a good sign.  If you can see having children, buying a house, and spending every single day of the rest of your life with him, even better.  However, you have to know a lot about him before you can see this future.  The first few months of dating has you in cloud-nine so think rationally about the future and talk to him about it to see if your plans are in sync.

Does he love you for who you are?
The perfect man will not try to change you or make you into someone you are not.  He’ll want to encourage you to be a better person, but he’ll be ever supportive of who you are and respectful of your beliefs.  Just remember that change has to come from within; any external forces that attempt to change you will end up in resentment unless you want to change.  So be yourself and never conform for anybody else but yourself.

Are you trying to change him?
Same as above: if you can’t love him for who he is, then maybe he’s not the one for you.  There is a fine line between molding someone into the perfect guy and making him change just because you want him to be a certain way.  Tread cautiously here in your efforts to make your man the man he is to become.  You have to make him want to change for himself and not for you.  Love him for his idiosyncrasies and he just may be able to bend a little more than when you pick at all his little faults.

True love can exist through hard work, open communication, and selflessness. Maybe in the end, Cinderella enjoys scrubbing the kitchen floor.  Maybe her Prince gives her a massage at the end of the day.  In the end, it doesn’t matter what each couple does as long as it makes them happy; to each her own.

So remember.  Be yourself. Love yourself. And learn to love him for who he is.

The Valentine’s date seemed to be going fine. Great, actually.  John and Samantha (names have been changed to protect the identity of these individuals) were sharing a fabulous evening that started with dinner at a trendy restaurant, followed by live jazz music accompanying wine.  Not too bad for a first date.  As the evening approached an end, John invited Samantha upstairs for some coffee and asked, “Are you interested in a threesome with my ex?”

Oh no he didn’t!

There are some things men should NOT do on any given date, much less on Valentine’s Day.  Whether you are set up on a blind date or have been with someone for eons, here are some major no-no’s for Valentine’s Day.

He gives you stale old chocolates.

It’s a sad state when men buy boxes of chocolates and distribute them like business cards.  Or saves them for the following year.  Tasteless and without class.  This goes for flowers that are so quickly picked from the garden that you actually still see dirt in the roots. At least have the decency to clean them up!

He gives you a gift his ex rejected.

The pendant with “Jenny” engraved on it when your name is Marsha is a major no-no.  Same as the ring that doesn’t fit your fingers (hello, he can find your size ahead of time).  You know a gift is not given especially for you when it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t match, or it looks half-as*ed.

He gives you a toaster.

Unless you asked for it, there better not be a kitchen appliance under that gift wrap.  Be creative!  BE ROMANTIC!  Valentine’s Day is the day to express your love.  Leave the toaster for a random act of love in April or something.  Romantic gifts include homemade cards, silk pajamas with lace, a delicate piece of jewelry, or a CD with your favorite songs as a couple — not kitchen appliance from Kitchenaid.

He expects sex.

Valentine’s Day is not about getting laid, although many modern men have been conditioned to think it so.  They somehow have equated the valuation of dinner and movies as an exchange to get into a girl’s pants.  Instead of feeling obligated to be generous with your body, be respectful of your body and integrity.  Never sleep with someone because you feel lonely or because Valentine’s Day (and a few drinks) has created some expectation of love making.  If sex was never on your agenda, send him home.

He didn’t make reservations.

We all know about the two hour waits at restaurants on Valentine’s Day for poor idiots who didn’t call ahead of time.  He should have called and made reservations.  That means he didn’t think ahead or care enough to make that simple effort to ensure that the evening would go smoothly.  Even a dinner cooked at home would be just as romantic and fun — as long as he planned it.

He’s super late.

Usually when someone is late to meet you, they have prioritized other things instead prioritizing you.  There is the rare occurrence of a car accident, a family death, or a major storm, but generally, he just was not making you his number one.

All kidding aside, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love. It doesn’t matter what he gives you or where he takes you, as long as you both want to spend that day together. It can be spontaneous or planned meticulously based on your personalities.  It can be romantic or it can just be incredibly chill and worry-free.  Be conscious about what you like about the person and don’t sacrifice who you are to fabricate a romantic evening.

How about you?  What are your deal breakers for Valentine’s Day?

The true origin of Valentine’s Day has yet to be confirmed, although stories have been told of saints named Valentine who left love notes to their beloved before they were martyred.  Despite its unknown origin, the meaning of Valentine’s Day stays strong: celebrate and cherish love.

Valentine’s Day has been washed out and over processed by marketers in an effort to sell cheap cards, sugary confections and sparkling stones from the diamond industry.  Skip the commercials and ads and use the day as a reminder to appreciate loved ones.  It’s not about what is received, but what is given and what is understood.  In a struggling economy, the silver lining helps individuals discover that material wealth and gifts are meaningless and even tacky.  This Valentine’s Day, let love overpower the need for trinkets and roses and do something sweet not just for loved ones, but for the community at large.  During times like these, love is what will pull us through.

A Valentine’s Day Idea List to get you started:

Revisit a favorite restaurant. It doesn’t have to be the priciest, Zagat-rated restaurant. Make a reservation at your favorite joint and enjoy a wonderful meal that’s guaranteed to be delicious.  You and your loved one will get to relax, have a great meal, and support your local business.

Feeling more adventurous? Try some new food. This may be the time to try that new restaurant that has the town buzzing.  Or maybe you can try to cook something new at home.  Share the excitement and decision by having your significant other scope Yelp for the proper reviews if you guys decide to dine out.  You can even whip up dessert while you chop away for a sweet dinner at home.

Plan a romantic hideaway. Since Valentine’s Day falls on a weekend, it’s a great time to plan a short getaway weekend somewhere in your area.  Get away from the traffic, the internet, and the stresses of daily life.  Book early and take advantage of a great deals waiting to be snapped up.

Go outdoors and enjoy the sun. Go to the beach or hike a new trail.  Pack some delicious food for a romantic picnic under the trees and don’t forget to bring your point-and-shoot to capture the moment.  Plan ahead and make sure you bring all the gear to avoid mishaps.  This means pack the mosquito spray, dear.  You don’t want any unwanted pests ruining your day!

Give some love to the community by spending the day doing a charitable action.  Volunteer at a local shelter or participate in a beach clean-up.  Visit seniors or orphans and pass out cards to people at the hospital.  You can also spend some time together looking for an organization you want to help and donate the money to the organization instead of buying gifts for each other.  But don’t stop there– continue to contribute income or time to these causes on a regular basis.  Visit Charity Navigator to find a cause close to your heart.

Sweet Gift Ideas (for those who MUST have gifts):

Think outside the typical flowers and chocolates. Be creative.  If you are the type that believes Valentine’s Day is over-rated, chances are you probably want to use a bit more brain juice to surprise your date.  Here are a few suggestions from The Conscious Snob team:

1. Hand make a card and attach some “special gift certificates.”  Offers can include 30 minute massages, a kiss to be remembered, sunset at the beach, or even a wild card!
2. A fabulous dinner creation by you
3. Watch your favorite movie
4. Dance to your favorite love song
5. Dedicate a song on the radio
6. Put together a slideshow of your favorite moments together
7. Compose a song or poem dedicated to your loved one
8. Create a story book about how you two met, with illustrations and all
9. Make a YouTube video to proclaim your love
10. Write love notes and hide them throughout his or her home to be discovered on that day.  You can even make it into a scavenger hunt where the prize at the end is you wrapped in a bow

(If you have more, please share with our readers by leaving a comment below)

Is there anything that your loved one needs? A pair of shoes, pajamas, or a new computer?  Have some discreet conversations to see if there’s anything they really want.  But please avoid toasters or other household appliances.  Shaking a finger at that one.

For jewelry lovers and those who want to give that special something, go for organic materials and gems that have been certified as conflict-free.  Tiffany’s and Brilliant Earth offer great diamonds and gold jewelry.  You can also visit antique jewelry fairs to find a truly unique and special item that steers clear of the norm.  You also get to rejuvenate an old heirloom and make it your own.

Whatever you decide to do, relax and have a great time with your sweetie. Remember, let Valentine’s Day be a reminder to express your love and appreciation for your loved one every day, not just on February 14!

Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with someone without the emotional involvement, and is it healthy?

Usually called “friends with benefits,” “casual relationships,” or (forgive the profanity) “f*ck buddies,” these terms are used to define two people who choose to have a sexual relationship without the formality and commitment of a serious relationship.  It can be monogamous, long-term, or sporadic.  Why do these relationships exist? For people who mutually want the casual intimacy without the full responsibilities and drama that can come with commitment.  Whether it’s a lack of commitment or a lack of interest, these casual relationships have worked for some — but will it work for you?

You may be considering venturing into this because you want your sexual desires fulfilled without having to deal with feelings, or perhaps you know you don’t want to commit to the person because he’s not the guy you ultimately want to be with.  Your “f*ck buddy” is your temporary, no-strings-attached, quick solution for physical intimacy. As Carrie stated in the second season of Sex and the City as she contemplated her own casual relationship:

“A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice and it didn’t really go anywhere, but the sex is so great you sort of… keep him on call.”

But before you experiment with this transient relationship, make sure you ask yourself whether it’s really the route to go? And, what happens if you actually want to be in a relationship, but not with this “friend”?

Many people have successfully had a “friends with benefit” relationship, but some have also found it hard to have such intimacy without any prospect of a future together.  Emotions can naturally generate from sex because it’s hard to disconnect sex and the feelings of attachment that can eventually occur.  As Helen Fisher describes in her book Why We Love?, the chemistry behind love and sex can be difficult to repress.

“Stroking and massage trigger the production of oxytocin and the endorphins, brain chemicals that can relax and produce feelings of attachment. [...] And with orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men — chemicals associated with feelings of attachment.”

Studies discussed by the New York Times have shown that people initiate these “friends with benefits” relationships to create a safe environment where no commitment was needed.  However, most people end up growing fear that they will start having feelings that will not be reciprocated.  One person might end up becoming more attracted to the other, and this builds stress into a relationship that should have been otherwise “carefree.”

More prevalent on college campuses, many young adults are choosing the casual route as well.  In Hooking Up, Kathleen Bogle, an assistant professor of sociology and criminal justice at La Salle University, provides insight on the casual sex trend that is taking place in a lot of colleges, stating that campus life promotes this behavior, diminishes the tradition of true relationships, and how it will negatively impact the emotional well-being of the people involved in this behavior.

Short term relationships that are strictly physical without the emotional attachment may work, but long term relationships seem most unhealthy.  If someone has spent months or years with a friend purely for sexual satisfaction without true commitment, it robs each person from the potential of real love.  Unless the person truly believes they will never want a committed relationship, feelings will be hurt, and drama will arise.  CNN wrote a piece last month about how to properly pursue a casual relationship, and it includes no real conversation, no real meals together, and no socializing — a truly detached relationship.  These tips help decrease any emotional involvement, but does not guarantee it.

If you find yourself in this situation, consider these questions before you get too involved.  Remember, it’s your heart at stake.

• How long do I see this going for?
• Do I eventually want to be in a relationship?
• Do I really want a committed person as opposed to just a “friend”?
• How would I feel if the other party started a new relationship with someone else?
• Can this relationship go back to “normal” after we quit the sex?

Casual relationships can be fun and playful initially, but tread carefully.  It’s easy to see that a drama and commitment-free relationship can yield a lot of satisfaction, but it would also be irresponsible to not see the emotional consequences.

Where do you stand on “friends with benefits?”

Every household is different but living with your significant other surely will bring issues regarding housekeeping.  In some homes, couples split the chores.  In other homes, the women do all the housework.  Then there are those who opt to hire maids and housekeepers to take care of the dirty work for them.  Where do you stand?

There should be a balance on who does what and, most importantly, there needs to be a compromise.  If you feel you are doing way too much, don’t hesitate to voice that you need help.  There is a thin line between being a significant other and a maid, especially if you are living with your boyfriend/husband.  Figure out a system where both of you can contribute.  This prevents developing resentment and allows you guys to avoid nasty words like “nag,” or worse yet, “mom.”  If both of you work full-time, then chores should be shared.  Look at both of your schedules and the amount of free time you guys each have — then divide housework accordingly.

Physical limitations also effect the chores you do. If you have a back problem, perhaps he should help with groceries or taking out the trash.  Having a new manicure is no excuse.  Suck it up, put on some gloves, and wash those dishes.  Make the most of your skills.  If you’re more savvy with budgeting and finances, then you can take care of the bills and overall spending while he cleans the cars.

In the end, your relationship is more important than who cooks dinner.  It’s about figuring out what works for both of you, putting effort into making one another happy, and making each other feel special.  This is the person you are choosing to be with, through thick and thin, laundry and dusting.

Again, where do you stand?

A key element of a conscious snob is the ability to recognize and be educated about our decisions.  What we choose for our lives should enrich our quality of life and help us grow as better people for our family, friends and the community in which we live.  We have all the power to choose our paths and influence those around us, but it’s also this freewheeling ability that compels me to write about being “spoiled.”

There have been more young adults in this generation than any other who have a sense of entitlement in this world.  They feel that they deserve so much — as they should, if they’re alluding to the hope of fulfilling their potential and achieving that American dream — but what I’ve found troublesome is that this air of entitlement is rooted for many youth in material goods and VIP privileges.  It’s been noticed that the new generation of young adults expect certain luxuries in their lives — luxuries that most people in the world do not have.  From a brand new car from mom and dad to fabulous and expensive gifts from their significant other, this new generation is going to realize something: they will be disappointed if materialism is the basis of their contentment.

What does it mean to be spoiled? Being spoiled means having a lot of things go your way emotionally and materially.  When you have people too often doing things for you and buying things for you, there’s a good chance that you start expecting these favors instead of appreciating them.  It’s not a requirement for your boyfriend and parents to get you gifts.  It is a show of love, appreciate it and don’t let it get to your head.

If someone is too spoiled, their quality of life becomes too indulgent on unimportant things and they risk forgetting the importance of things that really matter.  If you become too demanding of material things that you want or feel you deserve, you lose sight of the truly beautiful things that cannot be bought.  It becomes a vicious cycle of buying things to feel better and to fill the void where love, trust and commitment should be, only to feel empty after the shopping “high.”

We start to expect these things rather than really work towards them or even appreciate them.  Despite the recent economic downturn, the young and old still earning a good salary continue to book lavish vacations and their flat screen plasma TVs, because they “deserve it.”  Entitlement is an awful weakness.  If you can only stay in five star hotels or only wear “real” jewelry or scoff at H&M or Target clothes, you are spoiled.  Get a reality check– these things don’t matter.

Are our expectations too high?  Should we rely on being spoiled by these material things as a true definition of happiness and love?  I am absolutely in favor of indulgences, as long as they are controlled.  I also believe in making your own realities come true.  If I want that Hermes bag, I will do what it takes to have it, and now I own three– WITHOUT the help of daddy or a credit card.  I don’t think I deserve these bags.  I just appreciate them, want them in my collection and use them well.

You can be spoiled by someone else, or you can spoil yourself.  Neither of which makes you the better person. In the end, indulgences are okay, like a sweet dessert during a special dinner.  But if you eat sweets all day, you’ll only grow fat and sick.  Indulge when you can, but do not allow yourself to be spoiled.  There may be disagreements from the other end, all is welcomed.

So control your desires. Appreciate what you have.  Don’t obsessively yearn for more and don’t ask for them from others.  The people in your life are there to support and help you grow as a person, not lavish you with gifts so you can shut up.  If you are a person who spoils, then do the recipient a favor and stop.  Gifts are special and for special occasions.  If you have the funds and means to spoil yourself and those around you, consider lavishing your love in other ways.  Just don’t build a habit of always expecting to be spoiled.

What do you think?  Are we more spoiled and is it okay?

It’s unfortunate that some relationships, no matter how great they were, are no longer that.  It doesn’t matter if you are a new couple, a couple that’s been together for a while, engaged or even married with children — there are some key things, if left unresolved, that can end relationships for good.

You have affairs. Clearly, if you’re seeking affection and attention from someone else, something’s not right in your “real” relationship.  Having a relationship or fling with another person could mean that you’re not ready to fully commit to your supposed significant other or that you just don’t love them enough — because clearly you’re not respecting your relationship with them.

You sleep in separate beds. If you live together but never go to sleep in the same bed, the gap between you is more than just distance.  Not being able to share the physical intimacy or even stand being next to someone this way spells trouble, especially if this has been going on for a while.

You argue more than you get along. Fights are normal because you are bound to have views that clash, but if you find yourself bickering more than laughing, then recognize it as another warning sign.  Fighting about the big issues will indicate your clashing foundations, but even arguing about the dumbest things, all the time, can indicate that you are not happy with each other.

The bad outweighs the good. In a struggling relationship, if you are able to see the positive and that helps you pull through, then great.  But if you start having trouble finding what makes your relationship worth it, it’s time to leave.  When your negative feelings and thoughts become too overwhelming, talk it over and if it can’t be resolved, walk away.

You can’t see the future with him. If you can’t picture growing old with him, or you aren’t able to think that far ahead, then ask yourself why.  If he’s too immature right now, or if you don’t feel you can see yourself happily with him when you are old, then it’s another sign that it’s over.  Don’t waste your time anymore and find someone else who can make that future happen.

You are embarrassed of each other. If you roll your eyes every time he speaks or hate the way he acts around your friends, the truth is that you lack respect for each other and probably harbor some contempt and resentment.  If you feel this way now, imagine how it will be ten years down the line.

You are not happy. That is the hugest red flag.  If that person cannot make you happy, then why are you with him?  We definitely control how we feel and can create our own happiness, but if we choose a life partner, then he better be able to also bring happiness into our lives instead of making us miserable.

Each relationship is different.  Some are able to work these things out and others aren’t.  Have the courage and strength to realize what you want, what makes you happy, and walk away if your needs are not met.  You only have one life to live.

When do you know it’s over?

There are bound to be disagreements and arguments with your friends, boyfriends, parents, and family members.  It’s normal to have different opinions; however, getting angry can lead to regrettable words that can truly hurt a relationship.  Here are ways to keep the relationship strong despite your differences.

Don’t be silent. The silent treatment can be awful.  You need to talk about what you are feeling and going through, and silence only creates a bigger problem instead of solving it.  So give that person a call and start making some resolutions.

Stay calm. Nothing hurts more than an angry slur of phrases and words that diminishes a person’s character or self-esteem.  You probably shouldn’t have said it and sometimes it’s not even true.  Take a few breaths and be the bigger person by keeping your tone down and speaking calmly.

Don’t hit below the belt. You can say that they are stupid, that they are immature, or that they are worth a little more than dirt, but how does that make anything better?  Stick to the discussion at hand and don’t take personal jabs at a person just because you know a weakness.  If the relationship is something you want to keep, then be careful of the words you say.

Listen. You may be right, but they can also have some good points too.  Don’t just ignore their side of the story and resume your self-righteousness.  It doesn’t lead to anywhere.

Be openminded and patient. Sometimes people need more time to understand what you are trying to say.  Don’t be surprised that a week or year from now they will say you were right all along.  People, when stubborn, need time to think and live through experiences before they are able to concede that perhaps they are wrong.  So be openminded and try to see it from their perspective. No one is like you, so no one can think like you do.

How are some ways you have handled fights?

Over time, even great friendships fail.  While the initial relationship was great, and you were able to spend every second together with the same bond that blood sisters would have, things have changed.  Or maybe they were never best friends to begin with.  Maybe we have to open our eyes to the true relationships in our lives and quit investing our time to those who do not appreciate it.  Here are ways to realize that this great friend of yours isn’t that great at all, and what to do about it.

She only focuses on herself. True friends share with each other their lives.  It is never a one way road.  Yes, she can vent about her awful day or a break up, but in the end, she also has to put interest in your life and your feelings.  If it is all “me, me, me,” then it will never be “us.”  There are friends out there whom you talk to and all you hear about is their lives and their views.  Those aren’t your best friends.  Best friends would never take all the attention.  Talk to her about how you are feeling and see if there are any changes in the future.  Approach without an attacking tone and really be sincere and not angry.

She neglects the time spent with you. If you two are planning a trip or going for a day out shopping, your best friend would spend the time talking and hanging out, with the activity as the medium for bonding.  When a best friend ditches you to scour sales racks or meets a guy at a bar and shuts you out, then a best friend she is not.  She is just being selfish and inconsiderate of you as a person and lacks respect that you deserve.  If an incident like this occurs too often, mention to her calmly that you feel she is not being a good friend.  Or if you are the culprit and have done this a few times, make sure it’s not repeated, and apologize for the times that it has been done.  Sometimes it may be forgivable, but most of the time it’s heinous.

She doesn’t call. Ever.  Red flag on this one.  If best friends are supposed to share and talk about every great and little thing, then communication is key.  If you are sad, you vent.  If you are happy, you share, but not gloat.  When you are always the one initiating the conversations or put a lot of effort to hunt down your friend who is too busy to put your friendship as a priority, then perhaps you have to re-prioritize your friends as well.

She’s constantly competitive and jealous. Stay away from this one.  Someone who is too self-conscious about herself and try to upshow you or gets jealous when great things happen to you is not a good friend.  A best friend will gush over your new shoes, help you find that perfect dinner to make your boyfriend, and tell you when a dress looks awful on you, because it matters.  People like this need to work on their own character instead of trying to be better than someone else for the sake of proving themselves.  Sure, envy is normal, but it gets out of hand when they glare at your new haircut or takes low jabs on your relationships.

These are only a few big red flags.  In the end, having a best friend should feel great. Yes, there are disagreements and misunderstandings, but great communication, trust and the ability to be generous with your time and emotions are true indicators of a lasting friendship.